Are You Waiting for a Permission Slip?
Your job is to discern your own life.
This originally appeared as a post for paid subscribers but I’m sharing it widely now because of how often this topic seems to arise! If you feel stuck, if your career is in the driver’s seat of your life, if you’re constantly carrying around guilt for things that are a-moral, if you’re just hoping someone will come along and give you permission to rest or quit or try something different - this post is for you. If you need encouragement to become the steward of your own life, this post is for you. If you’re waiting for God to just tell you what to do because you’re too scared of making a mistake, this post is for you. If you’re tired of trying to tick every cultural “good girl” (or “good boy”?) box, this post is for you. If you need a nap and feel like it’s a crazy idea to actually take one, this post is for you.
I hope you find it encouraging.
(And if you’re reading on email, it may get cut off: just click the title to open in a browser.)
Do you remember needing a permission slip for things in school? To get out of class, or get aspirin from the nurse, or go on a field trip?
Sometimes I think this childhood practice continues long into our adult years. Here are just a few recent conversations I’ve had, where the idea of permission slips has surfaced:
With a professional woman who said she felt like she was waiting on someone to give her permission to make a potentially big leap in her work life
With a busy mom friend who shared that she gave herself permission to let go of the hassle of keeping a separate food waste bin
With a client who asked me about my own boundaries surrounding digital notifications, and the permission I give myself to not check email on Sundays
Each of these women were discerning very different types of things, big and small, but each wanted permission, and felt freed by having permission to act.
It really made me think: how many of us have carried over some school day ideas into our adulthood without even thinking about it? Why do we feel like maybe we need permission to be true to what’s good for our own, individual life?
Why We Seek Permission Slips
Sometimes this search for permission comes from a good place: we don’t want to do something wrong. We follow the Ten Commandments, but aren’t sure about how to use the virtue of prudence to apply a general principle (like “love your neighbour”) to our own situation. Is it loving to ignore a string of unkind texts? Is it loving to call them out?
The challenge is that the virtue of prudence grows in us when we… exercise the virtue of prudence. You have to just try. Aristotle also recommends growing in virtue by looking to others who lead virtuous lives. Then there’s prayer, of course, and seeking wise counsel. But the summary version is that living virtuously is an art, not a science. God knows we aren’t going to get everything right all the time, but knowing our own imperfection shouldn’t paralyze us or stop us from trying to grow in virtue. We don’t need constant permission from others to try to do what’s right.
But why do we feel the need to seek permission on things that are largely a-moral? Why might someone feel the need for permission from some mysterious authority figure to not check email ten times a day, and guilty when they leave it aside? Where is it written that human flourishing is only possible with multiple daily logins?
Somehow, the status quo, the things we keep seeing on social media, popular slogans, etc. make their way into our consciousness as “should”s:
We should stay in dependable jobs, we should follow all the latest recycling ‘rules’, we should be available at all times on our phones.
The list could go on, and on, and on… We should feel outrage about particular events we actually know little about. We should feed our children only organic eggs we’ve harvested from our own chickens. We should “lean in” and “hustle” to get ahead in our careers.
Right? Maybe. Wrong? Maybe.
You actually have permission to remain quiet when you don’t fully understand something. You have permission to buy eggs you can afford. You have permission to just let work be work and not a project you devote all your life to.
You also have permission to investigate world news wisely and speak out against political policies. And keep chickens. And build your career. If you discern that these are good things for you to spend your particular life on.
Where Permission Comes From
“You are the boss of your life. It is not the boss of you.”
This quote from Myquillin Smith is really refreshing in a world where so many of us feel like we can’t step aside from what our contemporary culture demands of us.
Guess what? I – and you – don’t need a permission slip to stop checking email incessantly. (Or to make a career move. Or to get rid of the food waste bin. Or whatever it is you’re holding onto.)
God has given each of us our individual lives: our gifts and talents, our challenges, our situations, our energy levels, and our interests. We have certain moral responsibilities, but we are not responsible for the whole world. We’re responsible for stewarding our own life well.
Let’s give ourselves permission to re-think the things we do on autopilot, the subtle cultural beliefs we might hold subconsciously. Let’s let the real “shoulds” be shoulds and the rest fall away. Let's have the confidence to discern our own God-given lives and live accordingly, in big ways and small.
Naming the Unspoken
Some of the biggest things that get in the way of our personal discernment are the unspoken assumptions that underlie our decisions (or lack thereof). So before I offer you some prayer journaling questions to get started with, I thought it might be helpful to name some unspoken assumptions I see quite often. Sometimes these are so firmly woven into our worldview, we can’t even see them as the cause of our permission seeking.
It’s crazy to give up a good job (usually “good” = “well-paid” or “stable”) for almost any reason. Even if: you hate it/ you want to do something else/ your family is miserable/ it isn’t doing good/ etc.
It’s extravagant/ lazy to hire paid help for almost anything. Even if: you can afford to give someone else a job / you’d rather spend your time doing other things / you don’t have a community to help you otherwise / etc.
It’s irresponsible not to ‘use your education’ (which usually means getting a well-paid job in the field you studied.) Even if: you are interested in something else/ you’re seeking more meaningful work / you’d rather devote your time to caring for people / etc.
It’s lazy to take time off work. Even if: you don’t want to be wed to a company through a phone / you have vacation days / you can afford it / your health is suffering / etc.
Again, this list could go on and on! It’s important to try and name the cultural assumptions we’ve unintentionally elevated to a moral code. What personal assumptions are you holding on to? Are they good, true, and helpful?
(Prayer) Journaling Questions
If you’re struggling with needing permission in your personal discernment and decision-making, big or small, here are some (prayer) journaling questions to get you started.
What do I wish that I had permission to do, or not do? Is this thing good or neutral in itself? Will it negatively impact any of my God-given responsibilities?
If it’s good or neutral and can be done without injury to the people I’m called to care for, what’s stopping me from doing it? What assumptions do I carry around it?
What would ‘permission’ look like?
Where do I think permission should come from? Whose ‘voice’ am I imagining in my mind?
When I imagine receiving a permission slip, it says _______, signed by _____.
Finally, why not try actually, with the help of the Holy Spirit, writing your own permission slip?
If you read this and found yourself wondering how to discern how to steward your own God-given life, maybe I can help. I offer 1:1 consults for individuals who want to learn to discern well so they can move forward with purpose and peace.
Here’s what one client had to say about our work together:
“Kerri helped me to take control over my life – all the different aspects of my life – to make my life much more manageable and holistic.
I began to see that everyone's life is different. That I have something to give. That my life isn't chaos as I felt it was. I really appreciate Kerri's excellent questions that made me think, rethink and see things from other perspectives (for instance my finances - I will never forget that "the saints didn't give any advice/write a book specifically about how to manage one's finances"!). I also appreciated that it felt as if she got to know me very quickly and understood what kind of person I am. I also felt that the positivity was really helpful!!
Now I structure my days /weeks and live more intentionally. I regularly reconsider/update what are the “big rocks /pebbles" as my life progresses. I allow myself relaxation and don’t feel bad for binge watching sometimes!!
Anyone who would like to be more in control of their life, who would like to discern something (s) and needs a wise and intuitive person to ask good questions about it would benefit from Life Consulting.
I'm very very grateful for my sessions with Kerri! I loved speaking to someone who also has a faith and could help me see my life from God's perspective.”
I always offer a free 30 min phone chat to see if working together would be a good fit. Want to schedule one? Email me: info@claritylifeconsulting.com.
Now it’s your turn: have you ever noticed yourself wanting permission to do / not do something that is culturally normative? Have you ever felt freedom by giving yourself permission to discern your own path? What cultural narratives do you see most commonly at play in people’s decision making?
This is excellent; thanks for making it available! I hope to print it off and consider the journaling questions, but sometimes I tell myself I'm going to do something and then I don't...
“Let’s give ourselves permission to re-think the things we do on autopilot, the subtle cultural beliefs we might hold subconsciously. Let’s let the real “shoulds” be shoulds and the rest fall away. Let's have the confidence to discern our own God-given lives and live accordingly, in big ways and small”.
This! 👏🏼🩷