How People-Pleasing Can Disquiet Discernment

A few weeks ago, my husband and I moved house, so I’ve been on the lookout for some new (used) furniture for our small spare bedroom. I found a mattress that a woman had listed online as barely used in a guest room, from a non-smoking home, with a washable cover. It was the type I wanted - but of course buying pre-owned things can always be a bit of a gamble. I sent her a message asking if I could come see it, and if I liked it, I’d buy it.

As we drove to her home, our conversation went something like this:

Me: Ok, I’m not sure if this mattress will be firm enough. It looked good online but you never know.

Husband: Well, we’ll just have to try it out.

Me: But what if we don’t like it?

Him: Then we don’t buy it.

Me: I know, but I feel kind of obliged since I messaged her about it. Let’s come up with a system in case I don’t like it but don’t want to tell her.

Him: Ok…

Me: So if I say, “I don’t know,” that means, no. You can tell her no, so I don’t have to.

Him: What if you actually don’t know? 

Me: I’ll say, “I’m not sure.”

Him: ...

Me: So, “I’m not sure” is “maybe” and “I don’t know” is “no”.

Him: It’s very likely we’re going to mess this ‘code’ up when we get there.

Me: I know. It would probably be easier if I would just tell her what I actually think.

What was my problem? This was a perfect stranger off the internet, whom I had already told that I wasn’t 100% sure about buying her mattress. And yet I still couldn’t bring myself to possibly say no, to her face.

Welcome to being a people-pleaser. 

(I like to think of myself as a recovering people-pleaser, but I’m not sure that would be entirely accurate.) If you’ve never struggled with this problem, I’m willing to bet that you know someone who has.

Being a people-pleaser is a deeply frustrating experience because we just want to make everyone happy! And yet, somehow it often doesn’t work.

What’s more, especially in Christian communities, people-pleasing can hide under the guise of caring about other people’s feelings: We don’t want them to be upset! Isn’t that so thoughtful of us?