Have You Checked Your ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ Lately?

Periodically revisiting commitment is a useful thing to do

If you’re new around here, welcome! I help people learn to discern their lives so they can live with purpose and peace.

My job is to ask the questions that get you thinking and praying about all the things that might be tangled up together in your life: your fear of leaving a stable job; your joy in turning clay into cups; and your great-uncle’s voice telling you that painfully hard work is the only valuable thing in this world. These questions are always asked in light of faith, because our spiritual lives are not something that belong in a box on Sundays.

Since 1:1 client work isn’t a good fit for everyone, I’m sharing some of the questions that come up on a frequent basis with my clients, and frankly, in my own decision-making! These are short and sweet and helpful.

If you missed the last one, you can read it here:

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Several years ago when I first started Clarity, I was doing a lot of other things at the same time. I was hitting burnout, hard, and I needed a break.

But I was a people-pleaser (still working on recovering from that) and it was hard for me to say no. Especially because all of the things were good things, generally speaking, and I felt like I should be doing them.

I felt guilty about saying no until I started really discerning my life. I learned some hard lessons about listening to my body (which was begging: please stop) and letting go of the ‘shoulds.’ I learned to establish criteria around my decisions, so that saying yes and saying no became so much easier.

But, years later, a funny thing has happened. It should have been obvious at the time, but I only see it clearly now in hindsight: saying no led to doing less of what I said no to. Turns out, when people ask you to do things, and you say no, eventually they stop asking you… which is exactly what you wanted.

Genius, isn’t it? :)

The same is true of yes. If you want to do more of something, you have to say yes to those opportunities, which in turn, tend to bring more similar opportunities. (Sometimes when you’re just starting out, you have to create those opportunities.)

Remember: yes and no are two sides of the same coin. Every time you agree to do one thing, you’re saying no to doing any number of other things – known and unknown.

Every time you say yes to staying late at work, you’re saying no to time with your people at home.

Every time you say no to making cupcakes for that bake sale, you’re saying yes to a morning at the park.

Yes to coffee with a friend is no to vacuuming the house. No to having a dog is yes to weekends away. Yes to getting a masters degree is no to two years of free time.

Do you like your yeses? Are you confident in your nos?

If there’s something in your life you want less of, start doing it less. Say no when people ask you to do it. (If you can, offer them the name of someone who wants to start doing that thing more.)

The thing about saying no consistently is that while at first it can feel difficult (especially if you’re a people-pleaser) actually over time it gets easier – not only because you’ve developed the “muscle” of saying no, but also because people just stop asking! And then you don’t have to say anything at all.

A few months ago someone asked me to do something that I didn’t want to do, and it took me by surprise, because no one had asked me to do that sort of thing in so long! Of course, I said no. :)

If you’ve discerned your yeses and nos well, (actively! remember: discernment is an interactive process) it’s a lot easier to let go of false guilt and people pleasing.

In my case, saying no to the things that were burning me out has led to many other yeses, including yes to time building friendships and energy for building this business of mine.

May you find confidence in discerning your nos and yeses.

If no and yes are difficult for you because you aren’t sure what you want, what God wants, or what “the best” thing(s) might be, I may be able to help you begin sorting through it all. Feel free to get in touch!