How to Practice Discernment with a Problem-Solver

and the one question that will change your discernment with others

Photo by Vardan Papikyan on Unsplash

Last weekend I was speaking at a retreat where someone asked a great question: “how do you practice discernment with someone who is quick to come up with solutions?”

I really appreciated this question because there have been many, many times in my life when I’ve poured out my troubles to someone - and would you believe it, they tried to give me a solution? The cheek of it.

I also appreciated this question because there have been many, many times in my life when I’ve tried to give people solutions to their problems - and would you believe it, they didn’t want them? The cheek of it.

I think I’m not the only one with this problem.

Discernment Is Not (Only, Primarily) About Problem-Solving

“Discernment” finds its etymological origins in the Latin “dis” - “cernere”: to distinguish, separate, or sift, off or away from. Discernment is a process of sifting out things that are relevant or irrelevant, timely or not timely, helpful or unhelpful. It’s a process that we enter into with God and sometimes with others. It’s not primarily about problem-solving or solution-finding. 

But very often, when we’re sitting with questions we want to discern, we have a tendency to view them as problems to solve: should I marry this person? Where will we live? Grad school for history or theology? Our posture towards the questions is less curious and more anxious: on our way to pursuing conclusions, we treat them like labyrinths to escape from as quickly as possible rather than museums to wander through at a contemplative pace.

This disposition often carries over to how we share our problems and questions with others, and how we approach the problems and questions that others share with us.

This is where I tell you about one question that changes everything.¹