Mindset Shifts
“When I meet someone who hasn’t read a book that I love, instead of saying ‘I can’t believe you haven’t read that yet!’ I say, ‘I envy you getting to read it for the first time - there’s so much to look forward to!’”
I read this comment many years ago on a blog. I have no idea what the original post was about, but the idea has stuck with me for the better part of a decade. With this phrasing, the commenter shifted from making someone feel bad about themselves to offering encouragement and sharing joy.
It’s such a tiny thing, but it’s really powerful (especially if you happen to be an enthusiastic book lover who finds herself constantly recommending beloved titles with the lavishness of Oprah.) Exchanging one phrase for another can result in an entirely different interaction. It can also shed light on what we really think.
What Is a “Mindset Shift”?
“Mindset shifts” are popular things to talk about right now, at least in the coaching world. The idea is that you can replace your “limiting beliefs” about yourself with more “empowering” ones, thereby effecting change in your life. Our actions flow from our thoughts: the better the thought, the better the action.
It’s not wrong. Most of us do have some unhelpful or unhealthy ideas that have been rattling around inside of us for years, often keeping us stuck in a rut. Sometimes these ideas come from others, like the middle school art teacher who said we’d never be good at drawing, so we haven’t picked up so much as a crayon since age 10. Sometimes they come from ourselves. Maybe in high school you decided you just didn’t like classic literature: it wasn’t your ‘thing.’ Now at age 35, you’re curious about all the hype surrounding Jane Austen, but you hesitate to pick up Pride and Prejudice because, well, it just isn’t your thing.
But sometimes it’s hard to know what’s a “limiting belief” and what’s simply a recognition of reality. I was part of a generation who was constantly told they could “do anything!” when they grew up. On the one hand it was wonderfully encouraging. Astronaut? Doctor? Lawyer? The world’s your oyster, kid! On the other it was wildly impracticable. Science? Math? English? How can I possibly choose a major?
Having no limits can leave you wandering around in decision paralysis, overwhelmed by choices. Having too many limits can lead to an unnecessarily restricted life. As with most things, a happy medium tends to be best.
“Optimal” Isn’t Always Possible
A happy medium is ‘optimal’, but the little footnote here that often gets overlooked in secular coaching circles is that this life isn’t always optimal, nor can it be. We fell out of Eden and we’re still waiting for Eternity. Life in a fallen world is hard even when we’ve done our best to shed limiting beliefs and optimize our limitations and empower each other with positive thinking. These are good things to do and they aren’t going to save us from our fallen selves. Only the God-Man can do that.
Where do things like “mindset shifts” factor into the life of a Christian, then?
Jesus tells his disciples that contrary to some popular beliefs at the time, “it is not what comes into a man from the outside that defiles, but what comes from the inside.” Paul exhorts believers, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about these things.” The thoughts and beliefs and ideas inside of us matter: they have the power to shape us for better or for worse.
So how do we go about making healthy mindset changes in the midst of a fallen world?
Making Healthy Mindset Changes in a Fallen World
First, I think it’s important to be both realistic and hopeful. For example, instead of saying “I’ll never be any good at that,” try: “I’m still working on those skills.” This is realistic compared to saying “one day I’m going to be the Olympian of this activity!” (which may or may not be true but isn’t helpful for most normal situations). It’s also hopeful, because “I’m still working” implies that improvement is possible, and focuses on the process instead of the outcome.
Being realistic and hopeful means that we don’t expect one mindset shift to suddenly make us into a saint, but we know that it can be helpful as we cooperate with Christ’s redemption to heal us and make us whole.
Second, it’s important to name what’s underlying the idea. Sometimes there are a lot of things all tangled up together. For instance, if you constantly think, “I’ll never be any good at drawing,” the simple shift might be to think, “I can draw if I practice.” But underneath it all, do you want to draw? Do you actually want to sit with pencil and paper making careful observations everyday? Or do you just want to prove your middle school art teacher wrong, and free your inner child from those naysaying voices that still plague you? Or is ‘drawing’ taking the mental place of some other thing that you wanted to do but never did?
Not every underlying belief has massively tangled roots, of course. But some do, and so it’s worth sitting in prayer and/or with someone you trust, to sort out if there are other, related things going on.
Third, sometimes hard things are true; but difficulty is not the whole story. If you find yourself in a situation you can’t change, acknowledge the truth in its whole context. So instead of saying “I am so tired because my kids never sleep, and I will never sleep ever again,” try saying: “I am really tired — it’s really hard, and I’m joining this suffering to Christ’s, trusting that He will make something of it,” or “I am really tired, and at the same time I’m really grateful for my children. Both are true.”
This isn’t just about replacing “negative” thoughts with more peppy “positive” ones. It’s not about over-spiritualizing the lived reality of our lives. (As any person who has ever dealt with lack of sleep knows, it’s possible to turn to both prayer and coffee. We are, after all, body-soul unities.) And it’s not about optimizing ourselves right out of the need for a Redeemer.
Implementing helpful mindset shifts is about recognizing our design as humans, who have the kind of thoughts that influence behavior. It’s about telling the whole truth. It’s about slowly becoming the kind of person we really want to be, now and in Eternity.
Common “Limiting Beliefs” & Alternatives
To get us started, I’ve come up with a list of some common “limiting beliefs” and tried to offer alternative ideas instead. If you’d like to print them out, or write your own, I’ve included a PDF for you here.
Instead of: “I’ll never be any good at that,” try: “I’m still working on those skills.” or, “I have no desire to put in the amount of time and effort it takes to be good at that.”
Instead of: “I hate doing this,” try: “Doing this enables ______,” or “I hate doing this, so Lord, please use it for good.”
Instead of: “I can’t believe I’m this old and I still haven’t _____,” try: “Isn’t it nice to have something new to look forward to?” Or, “I’m grateful that life continues in eternity and (please God) I can enjoy all kinds of wonderful things in a new heaven and a new earth.”
Instead of: “I’m too old to learn to do something new,” try: “I bring a lot of life experience and self-knowledge to this endeavour, that my younger self just didn’t have,” or “God, I know you can work with anyone of any age.”
Instead of: “I don’t have time for this,” try: “This isn’t the season for it,” or “I’m choosing to spend my time on ______ for ______ reason, and I’m happy with that choice because ________.”
This last one is a bit of a ‘trick’ mindset shift, in that I think it helps us realize whether or not we do want to make changes. If you’re not happy with how you spend your time, maybe that’s a nudge to become a bit more intentional, or at least, to discern your priorities.
If you’d like to talk things through with someone, that’s what I do! Feel free to get in touch for a free 30 minute call. Email: info [at] claritylifeconsulting.com.
Now, I’d love to hear your suggestions. What mindset shifts have you implemented? Do you have alternative ideas for the common ones above?