What If Everything You Could Do Is Stopping You From Actually Doing Anything?
Being paralyzed by possibility is no fun
Are you the type of person who revels in possibility? How are you at finally making a decision, after all that revelling? Does it feel painful to choose only one thing, because you know you’re leaving behind all those other options?
Maybe it’s this endless rain that has me wondering if I can find a way to escape it, or if we could have tried to schedule a work trip that will take us to a sunny place just a bit sooner. Maybe it’s the reality of living a transatlantic life where being in one place always means you can’t be in the other. Maybe it’s the daily what’s-for-dinner?-I-could-cook-but-I’d-rather-not carousel that hits my mind every day around 5pm lately.
The “Coulds”
Whatever the reason, I’ve been thinking about the weight of a little condition I call the “Coulds” – some little voice(s) pointing out all the things we could be doing differently.
Coulds are a bit trickier than Shoulds. Shoulds have to respond to the clear voice of conscience: is this a moral issue? Yes, I should feed my children and not let them starve. No, I should not feel guilty for hating minimalist décor.
But where is the guide for Coulds?
I could live in England or America. I could have tacos or salad (or taco salad!) for dinner. I could paint my room blue or yellow. I could marry this person or that. I could draw or paint. I could study law or medicine.
None of these is a moral issue – some of these may have better outcomes than others, but they’re all real possibilities.
The Coulds get even trickier when they decide to pop up around decisions you’ve already made. Could I have planned our work trip for a better time? Could I have prepped dinner earlier even though I had set aside that time for writing? Could I just get a chef during these months of incessant gloom??
Of course it would be silly to listen to the Coulds all the time, but they do have a sneaky way of interfering with good decision making.
The Coulds tend to catch us unawares: they lure us into a world of possibility in our heads, and then just leave us there. Stuck in Analysis Paralysis.
We don’t know what to do, because we could do so many things. There are so many good options available! I could do any one of them! And any one of them could be the best possible decision in all universes of decisions. And what if I chose the wrong one??
(If you are a person who makes decisions really easily and is never tempted by the siren song of possibility, chances are that you know at least one person who struggles with the Coulds.)
The Coulds can stop us from actually doing anything.
I’m still learning how to handle them, but here are some of the questions I employ when I start to feel paralyzed by possibility.
Five Questions to Ask When Paralyzed by Possibility
(1) Are the Coulds freeing me or binding me? That is, is the thought of more possible options a freeing one that gets me unstuck from a too-narrow thought process, or are they paralyzing me with too many choices? The Coulds have a good and necessary job – they help us when we can’t think outside the box. But sometimes they overdo it. I have to be realistic about firing them when they overstep.
(2) Are the Coulds stopping me from taking any action at all? If yes, I need to do something – any small action that gets me out of my head and into the world around me. I tend to live in my mind: the antidote is to practice having a bias towards action. (If on the other hand, you tend to act without thinking, do the opposite!)
(3) Are the Coulds threatening a decision that I’ve already confidently and happily made? Again, the Coulds can help us step out of a rote way of living, or point out that we aren’t living intentionally, but the flip side is that they can constantly upset our rhythm if we let them. If the Coulds are stealing my peace, it’s time to send them packing.
(4) Can I put the Coulds on a shot clock? Can I give them my energy, hear them out, explore all that they offer – but only for a dedicated period of time? Sometimes just letting them have their day in court is enough to realize how tired they make me!
(5) Do I have an issue with limits? I don’t mean moral limits here – I mean the world of time and space as it is. The attraction of the Coulds is that they trick us into thinking that anything is possible – even things that are mutually exclusive. The Coulds say: “you could just order takeout: your problems will be solved!” Only, choosing takeout means other sacrifices in terms of budget and health. The truth is, every yes to something is a no to something else. Don’t let the Coulds tell you otherwise.
If possibility is paralyzing you, I hope you find some relief from the Coulds!
This was so good, Kerry. I many times struggle with the coulds dancing around in my brain after a decision is made or maybe facing a temporary snag or challenge with the chosen plan. I always have to fight off those kind of coulds.