These are great questions, Kerri. I most often get stuck in the “means” — the actual physical limitations of time and energy. Because it doesn’t actually matter how much I want to do something, or how great it might be, if I physically don’t have enough hours in the day, or it will make me sick. The magical thinking can really get you.
In my imaginary life I can do everything! And I don’t need to eat or sleep! And I’ll never get tired! 😂🤪 (still working this idea of radical acceptance of reality)
Hahah I so get this! Once I was going to the movies with two friends, one female and one male. When we told him the time to meet up, he said, “how are you actually going to be ready by then? Are you just going to get in your magic Time Machine?” Ever since then my husband and I use it as a joke/ reminder that I can’t bend time to my will and if it takes 20 min to drive somewhere, I can’t magic it into 10. Reality always wins the wrestle!
The means is something that gets me, too. And I wonder if another subset of this process would be to figure out if something can or should be done to *make* means. Because, I could go my whole motherhood saying I have no extra time or help (which is basically true) but whether or not that should change in the near term or future to accommodate things would be another matter. Because I can very well get in the mindset of “I don’t have the means for anything and never will” which also isn’t good.
I think this is a great clarification! I'll have to think about how to work this into writing in the future: sometimes in discernment we approach things as if they either fall out of the sky/ the hand of God, or nothing. But discernment is interactive, which means that God calls us to use our intellect and free will in the process along with Him. So when we're asking if we have means/ motive/ opportunity, perhaps the question is better phrased not just as "do we have it?" in the present tense, but "is it something that I actually could have?"
("Actually" being the key word here...One of my philosophy professors, a father of many children, used to illustrate the difference between "logical possibility" and "real possibility" with the example of missing socks. It is a logical possibility that aliens from Zipton stole them, but it's a real possibility that they are under the bed. So in theory (logical possibility) I have the means to become an astronaut, but in reality (real possibility) I actually very much do not.)
This is a good distinction! And I think I often have to think about it in a few ways. 1) Have I actually voiced the desire or idea to anyone else, or is it living as an air castle of resentment in my head? 2) What would a practical solution look like in *this* life stage. It’s tricky, because young families, small children, financial limitations, are all real. But most often when I get into a pity party slump it’s because I’m not actually saying what I want in the first place, or I’m holding on to things that are not as important and could make room for more flexibility for me, if I let them. So it’s this weird both/and. Yes, there’s real issues of “means” being tricky in this stage AND I’m often my own worst enemy.
I really appreciate these questions! You're absolutely right to point out that saying things out loud, to other people, is crucial in discernment. Discernment can't just live in our hypothetical universes in our heads. The more we bring into the light of day (and a wise, listening person), the more we put our desires in touch with reality and then we can see how they fare in the season of life we're in. I find that for most people, it's the small things that make a huge difference in daily life... which in turn makes room for bigger life changes.
Like Ruth, you had me at “murder mystery.” 😊 What a great way to practice discernment in a discrete way! This will help me consider some things in my life with a level of removal that I need. After all, Hercule and Miss Marple, not to mention Sherlock, didn’t let their emotions get in the way of weeding out red herrings! Thanks for this.
This is succinct and helpful! I've thought of these things before but I like how you further explained them here, all together. The key being that *all* need to have an affirmative, which I've definitely wanted to disregard in the past. Will keep these in mind.
Yes, I think in extraordinary circumstances God can reach down and provide one out of the blue if it's missing (this happens a lot with saints who don't have enough money [= the means] for good projects, for example), but I think in ordinary circumstances, most of the time, you need the trifecta.
You had me at "murder mystery" (my favorite genre in between classics, esp. P.D. James:). Interesting and thoughtful perspective on discernment. Your examples reminded me of a conversation we had with our teenage son yesterday evening about relationship scenarios (he takes great pleasure in discussing hypothetical situations) and will introduce the "murder mystery" lens next time.
Thanks, Ruth! It's wonderful how some people love to "dwell in possibility" (as I think Emily Dickinson said) - it makes for great poets and novelists, blessing the rest of us with new worlds we couldn't have imagined on our own... but sometimes it adds a bit of a challenge to discerning reality.
These are great questions, Kerri. I most often get stuck in the “means” — the actual physical limitations of time and energy. Because it doesn’t actually matter how much I want to do something, or how great it might be, if I physically don’t have enough hours in the day, or it will make me sick. The magical thinking can really get you.
In my imaginary life I can do everything! And I don’t need to eat or sleep! And I’ll never get tired! 😂🤪 (still working this idea of radical acceptance of reality)
Hahah I so get this! Once I was going to the movies with two friends, one female and one male. When we told him the time to meet up, he said, “how are you actually going to be ready by then? Are you just going to get in your magic Time Machine?” Ever since then my husband and I use it as a joke/ reminder that I can’t bend time to my will and if it takes 20 min to drive somewhere, I can’t magic it into 10. Reality always wins the wrestle!
The means is something that gets me, too. And I wonder if another subset of this process would be to figure out if something can or should be done to *make* means. Because, I could go my whole motherhood saying I have no extra time or help (which is basically true) but whether or not that should change in the near term or future to accommodate things would be another matter. Because I can very well get in the mindset of “I don’t have the means for anything and never will” which also isn’t good.
I think this is a great clarification! I'll have to think about how to work this into writing in the future: sometimes in discernment we approach things as if they either fall out of the sky/ the hand of God, or nothing. But discernment is interactive, which means that God calls us to use our intellect and free will in the process along with Him. So when we're asking if we have means/ motive/ opportunity, perhaps the question is better phrased not just as "do we have it?" in the present tense, but "is it something that I actually could have?"
("Actually" being the key word here...One of my philosophy professors, a father of many children, used to illustrate the difference between "logical possibility" and "real possibility" with the example of missing socks. It is a logical possibility that aliens from Zipton stole them, but it's a real possibility that they are under the bed. So in theory (logical possibility) I have the means to become an astronaut, but in reality (real possibility) I actually very much do not.)
This is a good distinction! And I think I often have to think about it in a few ways. 1) Have I actually voiced the desire or idea to anyone else, or is it living as an air castle of resentment in my head? 2) What would a practical solution look like in *this* life stage. It’s tricky, because young families, small children, financial limitations, are all real. But most often when I get into a pity party slump it’s because I’m not actually saying what I want in the first place, or I’m holding on to things that are not as important and could make room for more flexibility for me, if I let them. So it’s this weird both/and. Yes, there’s real issues of “means” being tricky in this stage AND I’m often my own worst enemy.
I really appreciate these questions! You're absolutely right to point out that saying things out loud, to other people, is crucial in discernment. Discernment can't just live in our hypothetical universes in our heads. The more we bring into the light of day (and a wise, listening person), the more we put our desires in touch with reality and then we can see how they fare in the season of life we're in. I find that for most people, it's the small things that make a huge difference in daily life... which in turn makes room for bigger life changes.
Like Ruth, you had me at “murder mystery.” 😊 What a great way to practice discernment in a discrete way! This will help me consider some things in my life with a level of removal that I need. After all, Hercule and Miss Marple, not to mention Sherlock, didn’t let their emotions get in the way of weeding out red herrings! Thanks for this.
Thanks! So glad you found it helpful. These hours spent enjoying the Golden Age of Mystery are truly beneficial ;)
This is succinct and helpful! I've thought of these things before but I like how you further explained them here, all together. The key being that *all* need to have an affirmative, which I've definitely wanted to disregard in the past. Will keep these in mind.
Yes, I think in extraordinary circumstances God can reach down and provide one out of the blue if it's missing (this happens a lot with saints who don't have enough money [= the means] for good projects, for example), but I think in ordinary circumstances, most of the time, you need the trifecta.
You had me at "murder mystery" (my favorite genre in between classics, esp. P.D. James:). Interesting and thoughtful perspective on discernment. Your examples reminded me of a conversation we had with our teenage son yesterday evening about relationship scenarios (he takes great pleasure in discussing hypothetical situations) and will introduce the "murder mystery" lens next time.
Thanks, Ruth! It's wonderful how some people love to "dwell in possibility" (as I think Emily Dickinson said) - it makes for great poets and novelists, blessing the rest of us with new worlds we couldn't have imagined on our own... but sometimes it adds a bit of a challenge to discerning reality.