I've tried embracing the process, and for a very long time it worked well enough.
But I am less and less able to get rid of the anxiety. When you cross the line into clinical anxiety disorder, it all becomes a big mass of disfunction and the coping mechanisms start to fall apart.
And when there aren't firm deadlines, but big important things that still need to be done, I am bad at creating deadlines for myself because I know they are self-imposed. Then I tend to blow past the time they probably, almost certainly, should have been done by and then the shame and guilt mount up and I become even more paralyzed.
And then also my anxiety starts to create false deadlines or figmentary senses of obligation for things that really are unimportant and are just things I want to do: like planned substack posts.
I long for the days when the deadline was a helpful tool in managing the process instead of an enemy.
I’m sorry to hear that, Melanie! That does sound like a big cross. It’s so hard when some aspect of life changes so severely it can feel like vertigo, and then having to learn a whole new way of navigating… it’s a lot.
Thank you, Kerri. Sorry for dumping in your comments. It's just that there was a time when this essay would have hit the spot and now it's more complicated and there isn't much space to talk about those kinds of complications either. I really appreciate your supportive comment. It means so much.
I have had similar feelings about different circumstances, like people raving about certain treatments or types of medication that will ‘change your life’ etc… I get so annoyed because of course at one time, those things were a total revelation and helped a bit, but in the end, they failed to help me. It’s a hard place to be, and sometimes it’s worse when something would have been so helpful, rather than never having been applicable at all.
Also, the online world is so unnatural sometimes - I was chatting with a friend recently about how much of online marriage advice (or parenting advice, etc) is mostly worthless because each person’s situation is just so particular! Of course we can say things like “it’s good to be kind” but applying general principles to particular situations can be tricky and frustrating for those whose particulars are different! I’m sorry you don’t have good spaces to talk about the complicated particulars you’re facing.
I’m never sure if it makes things better or worse to say something like this, but maybe someday you’ll be the one writing for the woman who’s in your shoes now, and you’ll be able to help her in a way you aren’t receiving now.
Love this. I’m such a procrastinator…but really all my best work is done in the mad dash, often between midnight and 3am, when the nearness of the deadline demands focus and the trivial gets swept away. I repeatedly saw in my own work at GCSE, A Level and even University that my essays and written work actually suffered when I plodded through it methodically and ahead of time. I like having the time to (often subconsciously) think through things, and then having the pressure of the deadline helps me to achieve clarity of thought.
Ok this is interesting- that your work actually suffered when you used a method that was 'unnatural' to you. I have something similar with outlines: if I write one and follow it methodically, my essay is a mess. But if I write one and ignore it, or write bullet points to include in general, it always works a lot better. I wonder if these tendencies are related?
So glad, Dixie! And yes, boy do I ever hate a rigid housekeeping schedule. I will dust when it's dusty or when it's been dusty for a long time and I can no longer ignore it b/c people are coming over and I'd rather not make everyone sneezy :)
I have a theory about housekeeping and all life tasks, which I'd like to write about more fully at some point. I think some of us are 'project' people, and we tend to like to do everything all at once. The project gets a lot of effort and then completed. Others of us are "do it as you go" people, and they tend to be good at consistent jobs rather than projects. (So do you load every dish in the dishwasher as you use it? Or just stack them up and load it all together later? sort of thing.) This is entirely anecdotal and I think some people might vary depending on the sort of thing it is, but it's my working theory ;)
I could have written this, Kerri! Everything changed for me when I decided to lean into the restful times and REALLY lean in to the active work phase instead of resisting both or worse, feeling like I should change my natural inclinations. Boo to the gurus suggesting that waiting until the last minute is a sign of a disorganized mind or some kind of self-punishing procrastination. It's not even really procrastinating if it's part of my plan!
Ha! Project Pressure People - I think we need to start a band.
And yes I don’t want to be a guru! I’m more like the person who swam in the rocky waters for a while and can shout back, ‘um, guys, watch out for this one over here if you don’t want to accidentally cut yourself and end up in a shark circle (ask me how I know!!)’ :)
I love this! I think for me, it depends on the kind of work. Non-creative work with external deadlines-- homeschooling quarterly reports to the school district, reading a book I'm not excited about but promised a friend I would, filing my taxes -- I like to be very disciplined about, doing a chunk here and a chunk there and finishing as early as possible so that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I haven't had an external deadline for creative work for a long time, but in college and early career I preferred working up to the deadline. I knew some people who could finish an essay a week early AND SUBMIT IT EARLY, and I was amazed. Didn't they want to keep tweaking it until the last possible moment?
I definitely don't write on a schedule on Substack, but I often get just bored enough with one project that the boredom imposes a deadline. "If you want to move on to the thing that excites you, you'd better finish this soon!"
Thanks, Madeline! I like this idea of boredom imposing a deadline. I have found that sometimes, too: "Just finish the darn thing that you once loved but now never want to look at again, and you really won't have to look at it ever again!"
I've tried embracing the process, and for a very long time it worked well enough.
But I am less and less able to get rid of the anxiety. When you cross the line into clinical anxiety disorder, it all becomes a big mass of disfunction and the coping mechanisms start to fall apart.
And when there aren't firm deadlines, but big important things that still need to be done, I am bad at creating deadlines for myself because I know they are self-imposed. Then I tend to blow past the time they probably, almost certainly, should have been done by and then the shame and guilt mount up and I become even more paralyzed.
And then also my anxiety starts to create false deadlines or figmentary senses of obligation for things that really are unimportant and are just things I want to do: like planned substack posts.
I long for the days when the deadline was a helpful tool in managing the process instead of an enemy.
I’m sorry to hear that, Melanie! That does sound like a big cross. It’s so hard when some aspect of life changes so severely it can feel like vertigo, and then having to learn a whole new way of navigating… it’s a lot.
Thank you, Kerri. Sorry for dumping in your comments. It's just that there was a time when this essay would have hit the spot and now it's more complicated and there isn't much space to talk about those kinds of complications either. I really appreciate your supportive comment. It means so much.
I have had similar feelings about different circumstances, like people raving about certain treatments or types of medication that will ‘change your life’ etc… I get so annoyed because of course at one time, those things were a total revelation and helped a bit, but in the end, they failed to help me. It’s a hard place to be, and sometimes it’s worse when something would have been so helpful, rather than never having been applicable at all.
Also, the online world is so unnatural sometimes - I was chatting with a friend recently about how much of online marriage advice (or parenting advice, etc) is mostly worthless because each person’s situation is just so particular! Of course we can say things like “it’s good to be kind” but applying general principles to particular situations can be tricky and frustrating for those whose particulars are different! I’m sorry you don’t have good spaces to talk about the complicated particulars you’re facing.
I’m never sure if it makes things better or worse to say something like this, but maybe someday you’ll be the one writing for the woman who’s in your shoes now, and you’ll be able to help her in a way you aren’t receiving now.
"maybe someday you’ll be the one writing for the woman who’s in your shoes now, and you’ll be able to help her in a way you aren’t receiving now."
That is actually very helpful. Because there are areas in my life where I am that person. It's a hopeful thought.
I’m so glad!
Love this. I’m such a procrastinator…but really all my best work is done in the mad dash, often between midnight and 3am, when the nearness of the deadline demands focus and the trivial gets swept away. I repeatedly saw in my own work at GCSE, A Level and even University that my essays and written work actually suffered when I plodded through it methodically and ahead of time. I like having the time to (often subconsciously) think through things, and then having the pressure of the deadline helps me to achieve clarity of thought.
Ok this is interesting- that your work actually suffered when you used a method that was 'unnatural' to you. I have something similar with outlines: if I write one and follow it methodically, my essay is a mess. But if I write one and ignore it, or write bullet points to include in general, it always works a lot better. I wonder if these tendencies are related?
I love this, Kerri!!
I have never done well with a housekeeping schedule and this post is giving me a lightbulb moment! It's okay to just...dust when you notice dust!
Man, when -- when? -- will we be able to let go of the idea that there's only one right way to do things like this, or like writing?
So glad, Dixie! And yes, boy do I ever hate a rigid housekeeping schedule. I will dust when it's dusty or when it's been dusty for a long time and I can no longer ignore it b/c people are coming over and I'd rather not make everyone sneezy :)
I have a theory about housekeeping and all life tasks, which I'd like to write about more fully at some point. I think some of us are 'project' people, and we tend to like to do everything all at once. The project gets a lot of effort and then completed. Others of us are "do it as you go" people, and they tend to be good at consistent jobs rather than projects. (So do you load every dish in the dishwasher as you use it? Or just stack them up and load it all together later? sort of thing.) This is entirely anecdotal and I think some people might vary depending on the sort of thing it is, but it's my working theory ;)
Super helpful, again!
So glad!
I could have written this, Kerri! Everything changed for me when I decided to lean into the restful times and REALLY lean in to the active work phase instead of resisting both or worse, feeling like I should change my natural inclinations. Boo to the gurus suggesting that waiting until the last minute is a sign of a disorganized mind or some kind of self-punishing procrastination. It's not even really procrastinating if it's part of my plan!
Glad to find a kindred spirit, Meagan! :) Boo those gurus indeed!
Boo the gurus (but not whatever kind Kerri is) 🤣
Adding my name to the group of procrastinator / deadline / project pressure people.
Ha! Project Pressure People - I think we need to start a band.
And yes I don’t want to be a guru! I’m more like the person who swam in the rocky waters for a while and can shout back, ‘um, guys, watch out for this one over here if you don’t want to accidentally cut yourself and end up in a shark circle (ask me how I know!!)’ :)
I love this! I think for me, it depends on the kind of work. Non-creative work with external deadlines-- homeschooling quarterly reports to the school district, reading a book I'm not excited about but promised a friend I would, filing my taxes -- I like to be very disciplined about, doing a chunk here and a chunk there and finishing as early as possible so that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I haven't had an external deadline for creative work for a long time, but in college and early career I preferred working up to the deadline. I knew some people who could finish an essay a week early AND SUBMIT IT EARLY, and I was amazed. Didn't they want to keep tweaking it until the last possible moment?
I definitely don't write on a schedule on Substack, but I often get just bored enough with one project that the boredom imposes a deadline. "If you want to move on to the thing that excites you, you'd better finish this soon!"
Thanks, Madeline! I like this idea of boredom imposing a deadline. I have found that sometimes, too: "Just finish the darn thing that you once loved but now never want to look at again, and you really won't have to look at it ever again!"