I've tried embracing the process, and for a very long time it worked well enough.
But I am less and less able to get rid of the anxiety. When you cross the line into clinical anxiety disorder, it all becomes a big mass of disfunction and the coping mechanisms start to fall apart.
And when there aren't firm deadlines, but big important things that still need to be done, I am bad at creating deadlines for myself because I know they are self-imposed. Then I tend to blow past the time they probably, almost certainly, should have been done by and then the shame and guilt mount up and I become even more paralyzed.
And then also my anxiety starts to create false deadlines or figmentary senses of obligation for things that really are unimportant and are just things I want to do: like planned substack posts.
I long for the days when the deadline was a helpful tool in managing the process instead of an enemy.
I’m sorry to hear that, Melanie! That does sound like a big cross. It’s so hard when some aspect of life changes so severely it can feel like vertigo, and then having to learn a whole new way of navigating… it’s a lot.
Love this. I’m such a procrastinator…but really all my best work is done in the mad dash, often between midnight and 3am, when the nearness of the deadline demands focus and the trivial gets swept away. I repeatedly saw in my own work at GCSE, A Level and even University that my essays and written work actually suffered when I plodded through it methodically and ahead of time. I like having the time to (often subconsciously) think through things, and then having the pressure of the deadline helps me to achieve clarity of thought.
Ok this is interesting- that your work actually suffered when you used a method that was 'unnatural' to you. I have something similar with outlines: if I write one and follow it methodically, my essay is a mess. But if I write one and ignore it, or write bullet points to include in general, it always works a lot better. I wonder if these tendencies are related?
So glad, Dixie! And yes, boy do I ever hate a rigid housekeeping schedule. I will dust when it's dusty or when it's been dusty for a long time and I can no longer ignore it b/c people are coming over and I'd rather not make everyone sneezy :)
I have a theory about housekeeping and all life tasks, which I'd like to write about more fully at some point. I think some of us are 'project' people, and we tend to like to do everything all at once. The project gets a lot of effort and then completed. Others of us are "do it as you go" people, and they tend to be good at consistent jobs rather than projects. (So do you load every dish in the dishwasher as you use it? Or just stack them up and load it all together later? sort of thing.) This is entirely anecdotal and I think some people might vary depending on the sort of thing it is, but it's my working theory ;)
I could have written this, Kerri! Everything changed for me when I decided to lean into the restful times and REALLY lean in to the active work phase instead of resisting both or worse, feeling like I should change my natural inclinations. Boo to the gurus suggesting that waiting until the last minute is a sign of a disorganized mind or some kind of self-punishing procrastination. It's not even really procrastinating if it's part of my plan!
I've tried embracing the process, and for a very long time it worked well enough.
But I am less and less able to get rid of the anxiety. When you cross the line into clinical anxiety disorder, it all becomes a big mass of disfunction and the coping mechanisms start to fall apart.
And when there aren't firm deadlines, but big important things that still need to be done, I am bad at creating deadlines for myself because I know they are self-imposed. Then I tend to blow past the time they probably, almost certainly, should have been done by and then the shame and guilt mount up and I become even more paralyzed.
And then also my anxiety starts to create false deadlines or figmentary senses of obligation for things that really are unimportant and are just things I want to do: like planned substack posts.
I long for the days when the deadline was a helpful tool in managing the process instead of an enemy.
I’m sorry to hear that, Melanie! That does sound like a big cross. It’s so hard when some aspect of life changes so severely it can feel like vertigo, and then having to learn a whole new way of navigating… it’s a lot.
Love this. I’m such a procrastinator…but really all my best work is done in the mad dash, often between midnight and 3am, when the nearness of the deadline demands focus and the trivial gets swept away. I repeatedly saw in my own work at GCSE, A Level and even University that my essays and written work actually suffered when I plodded through it methodically and ahead of time. I like having the time to (often subconsciously) think through things, and then having the pressure of the deadline helps me to achieve clarity of thought.
Ok this is interesting- that your work actually suffered when you used a method that was 'unnatural' to you. I have something similar with outlines: if I write one and follow it methodically, my essay is a mess. But if I write one and ignore it, or write bullet points to include in general, it always works a lot better. I wonder if these tendencies are related?
I love this, Kerri!!
I have never done well with a housekeeping schedule and this post is giving me a lightbulb moment! It's okay to just...dust when you notice dust!
Man, when -- when? -- will we be able to let go of the idea that there's only one right way to do things like this, or like writing?
So glad, Dixie! And yes, boy do I ever hate a rigid housekeeping schedule. I will dust when it's dusty or when it's been dusty for a long time and I can no longer ignore it b/c people are coming over and I'd rather not make everyone sneezy :)
I have a theory about housekeeping and all life tasks, which I'd like to write about more fully at some point. I think some of us are 'project' people, and we tend to like to do everything all at once. The project gets a lot of effort and then completed. Others of us are "do it as you go" people, and they tend to be good at consistent jobs rather than projects. (So do you load every dish in the dishwasher as you use it? Or just stack them up and load it all together later? sort of thing.) This is entirely anecdotal and I think some people might vary depending on the sort of thing it is, but it's my working theory ;)
Super helpful, again!
So glad!
I could have written this, Kerri! Everything changed for me when I decided to lean into the restful times and REALLY lean in to the active work phase instead of resisting both or worse, feeling like I should change my natural inclinations. Boo to the gurus suggesting that waiting until the last minute is a sign of a disorganized mind or some kind of self-punishing procrastination. It's not even really procrastinating if it's part of my plan!
Glad to find a kindred spirit, Meagan! :) Boo those gurus indeed!