Setting Goals for Our (Actual) Selves

#3 in a New Year's Resolutions Series

A Goal- Setting Parable

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who wanted to make a New Year’s resolution to wake up at 5am every day and run in the cold dark mornings. Every morning, she did not do this. Many mornings, she felt like a failure in her warm cozy bed. Eventually she gave up even trying, or thinking about trying.

Many years later, she discovered the reasons she did not succeed: she hated mornings. She hated the cold. She hated running. She also discovered that this was ok, and people who woke up at 5 am to run in the cold dark mornings were not somehow better people, even if generally, they were skinnier people. She preferred bed.

One day, she woke up with the urge to write, even if it was cold and dark. She kept her notebooks and laptop next to her bed, and in the cold dark mornings, she would stay warm under the covers and write. She enjoyed it so much that it wasn’t really painful. In fact, she never thought about running instead, and lived as happily ever after as was possible for her life. The End.

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Knowing Yourself is Fundamental

The woman in this little story made a fundamental mistake when she made her New Year’s Resolution: she did not know herself. (Ask me how I know).

She also did not know how to name what she actually wanted for herself.

Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was in her university years and exceptionally prone to people-pleasing, which made it very difficult for her to not feel like she should want certain things. 

Resolving to become the kind of person who woke up at 5am and went running every morning in the cold dark wasn’t really about 5am, running, or cold and dark. It was about body image things, athletic things, self-discipline things.

Sometimes we make resolutions that are bad because they’re mis-directed. We aren’t clear about what we’re aiming for. The resolution usually represents something else for us.

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A Simple Question to Help You Get Clarity

I’ll let you in on one of my favourite questions to help get clarity: “Ok, but why for me?”

This question will help you get behind the resolution you’re making to uncover what you actually want. Watch:

“I resolve to get up at 5am and go running in the cold dark mornings!”

“Ok, but why for me?”

“Because I want to be the kind of person who does that.”

“Ok, but why for me?”

“Because that kind of person is skinny and fit and self-disciplined!”

“Ok, but why for me?”

“Because the girls who do that are pretty and the guys like them.”

See what happens? This person doesn’t want to wake up at 5am and run in the cold dark. She wants to have a different body shape. She wants to prove herself. She wants to be liked. She wants to be someone else.

That’s what she really wants.

Naming what we actually want helps us make better resolutions because it helps us figure out if we’re starting from a place of honesty. It helps us figure out if what we want is to be a better version of ourselves or someone other than ourselves. It helps us figure out if we have room for growth in grace.

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Name Your Real Goal

When we begin to think about making changes in life, we have to make those changes according to who we actually are, not who other people think we ought to be, or even who we think we ought to be.

When we set goals, they have to be goals that match us.

So if we were honest in the last step of our New Year’s Resolutions process, we can now look at our lists and see why things some worked last year, and why other things didn’t. Learning from last year means that this year, we can try to set goals according to what works for us.¹

Let’s say that last year, your goal was “I want to lose weight,” and upon reflection, you realized a few things: first, that you hate the gym, so you never went. Second, you were too tired to cook and ate a lot of take-out food. Third, you realize that it isn’t so much about a number on the scale as being able to chase your toddler around without feeling like a few days in a coma would be a respite.

Your goal, for your life, isn’t actually, “I want to lose weight.” It’s probably something like: “I’d like to feel less exhausted and bloated and generally run down all the time.” 

Take a look at your lists, and as you think about what you want to change, ask yourself, “but why for me?”

Don’t worry about being too specific right now (that’s the next step). Right now, it’s just about getting clear on what you actually want, for you, in your life.

Write down what you actually want.

(If you’re using the worksheets, use the “who” column.)

Take your desires to the Lord in prayer and ask him to show you how to speak them honestly and hold them loosely.

In part 4, we’ll explore how to make these resolutions in a way that works for us, too. Stay tuned!

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The whole series:

Part 1 : “Before Making Any New Year’s Resolutions, Do This” (Free for everyone, including downloadable worksheets)

Part 2: “Why Things Work (or Don’t)” (Free for everyone)

Part 3: “Setting Goals for Our (Actual) Selves” (Free for everyone)

Part 4: “Find Your Method: Six Things to Consider” (For paid subscribers, with an audio recording)

Part 5: “Figure Out When” (For paid subscribers)

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If you’d like some help making good resolutions, figuring out what works for you in your actual life, and building helpful habits to support you as you live the unique life God is calling you to, that’s what I do! Explore 1:1 life consulting, or set up a free 30-minute call by clicking here.

1. *We’re obviously talking about non-moral (= a-moral, not immoral!) things here. If what works for you is embezzling funds from your company or harming others, that’s not ok.